GodisLove

(Source: spiritualinspiration)

feeling a little lost, tired and depressed, I entered the room of my sister-in-law and saw my 8 year old neice lying down while playing with her mommy’s cellphone, me trying to find comfort… laid down beside her..while she was playing…I watched her, then I hugged her tight after awhile i remember again all the things that was going on with my life… I wasnt aware that my tears were already falling… then she noticed and asked..”tita…bakit ka umiiyak” me not wanting to admit..told her.. “no baby…inaantok lang ako kaya teary eye..” then I pretended to yawn… then she suddenly stood up and said “may kukunin lang ako tita..” she went out then i stayed there still with my tears falling..I was not aware where she went..minutes later..she went back and to my surprise she handed me a tissue..hugged and kiss me…without saying any word….. with her comfort my feelings suddenly lightened up. How could an innocent little child be so sensitive and mature enough to care for the people around her. Right then and there…I realized…

I still have them….

I still have so many reasons to smile for…

Thank you God…

BOINKYLOO. :)

October 21, 2011

days before this, i was so furious because he promised to come and be with me during our first year anniversary since we rarely see each other and we are on a long distance relationship..Manila - Baguio…it’s like an end to end.. This day means so much to me.. because it is my first time to celebrate an anniversary..I was the kind of girl who couldn’t stand staying in a relationship….and I love him this much that I did.. :)

October 20, 2011 came and i was expecting him, he told me he would try his best so i expected him to come… so many plans where running on my mind on how i would surprise him and then he suddenly told me he can no longer come for some reasons. I was so disappointed and hurt because i also miss him that much….then i was on “tampo mode” and was really letting him feel my disappointment, a night before this, he was really saying sorry..and i was kinda mad that I told him…”i thought you would at least make an effort”…and he only said… he loves me and that he can no longer say anything…. I got mad even more… On the morning of October 20, 2011, he texted me trying to comfort me again… saying he loves me so much and that he would do anything for me.. then at the back of my mind.. i thought “then why can’t you come here .. since I reserved this day for him I wasnt suppose to do anything but since he said he wasn’t coming anymore I distracted myself…i volunteered to accompany my friend to the derma clinic and also went to school to help in the gardening… I also planned to go to the gym but then he told me not to stress out myself so much… It was already 5pm when i finished all my tasks.. he was texting me asking how i was if i ate already ai was replying coldly… then I was on my way home..feeling a little depressed thinking that i would celebrate the anniversary the next day alone, he then permission to call me when i reach home..then I said yes he can call me… then as i reached home i texted him… then he called… the usual chat.. then he asked me…his usual question… napagod ka ba? kumain ka na ba? gutom ka pa?  then I said “opo busog po ako….. ” then he said…  ” ay bakit…. dapat gutom ka pa…” then i was puzzled… “bakit gusto mo ko magutom?” he said”dapat gutom ka pa… saamahan mo ako magdinner..” then…I said: wehh.. as if… then i told him to stop kidding..then he said Hs is in SM and he asked me to have dinner with him… i was so surprised and I couldn’t believe it… he did it.. he came … for me… i was so touch.. and i felt a little bit guilty for feeling that way…. it made me love him more….and it was the happiest thing that ever happened….the sweetest thing that a guy ever did to me..as i approached him.. i gave him my biggest smile…and my biggest hug„„.the following days with him…was history…:)

definitely.:)

(Source: mmmmeeeoow, via iwilltrustinyou)

(via lovejesusinfinitely)

It feels so bad not to be trusted… when you yourself trust the one you love wholely…

I never thought that I would again feel the hurt…. I thought that with all the pain and experiences I’ve went through…during my childhood years…teenage years… I thought that these experiences was enough to make me strong…but now… I feel so weak again… just a few hours ago..i was laughing…with my friends…masking off the tears that was about to fall.. I was on the verge of crying…but It was such an ‘effort to divert my attention just so I wouldn’t cry infront of my friends and classmates… they didn’t know…no one knows…I’m dying inside…..

why? because only one knows when I’m sad…happy or depressed….. 

I used to have my shock absorber for the pains… and difficulties I’ve been going through… I used to tell him how I feel… I used to tell him my thoughts… I used to tell him the reasons of why I’m mad.. or why I’m sad…now my shock absorber is the reason of  why I’m feeling the pain…and why the reason I’m  crying…who will I run to? He wants a space… a time off… … what can I do? I don’t have any idea why…. Did I do something wrong? I was clueless… why……….so who’s my shock absorber now? funny how it seems… it’s tumblr…

Even though I was good at masking off my emotions… my close friend still noticed that I was quite quiet…but still I managed to say I was just sleepy that’s why I was teary eyed……deep inside…I feel a pinching pain….in my heart… I wondered what went wrong„,what did I do??  Did he think I had someone else? My classmate posted something..and I was bothered that he had thought about some things… I was complimented for looking good…and this classmate of mine was just about to post but he saw his post and related my being attractive to him…of me being inlove with my boyfriends(shock absorber). But another classmate of mine…who was really good at teasing me… posted something… like I have another reason why I was  looking good… but God knows…II don’t have any reasons at all….. I just cut off my hair… that’s it…

After that I explained.. because I didn’t want him to think about other things… but then he asked for the space ‘again’…. I was hurt… I no longer do not know what to say…all I did was to agree.. multiple times he asked for it…and I became tired…. I became weak.. I love him… but I thought of him… I really felt he want this space…and because I want him to be happy and I really love him… I agreed…. But deep inside I was dying… and I lost the strength to fight for our love again….he asked for it..a lot of times…now I stopped being selfish  somehow felt…. That I must not force myself to him anymore……

Even though I love him…. I need to……….for him….

I wish you knew… I wish you knew how much I love you… how much I’m loyal to you..If you can only see me.. God knows my honesty and loyalty to you….

I wish you knew…

And now even if it is causing me so much pain… I’m letting you go….because I want you to be happy….

I pray that you will be happy….

I said this tumblr blog would be all about you… I wish you would read it…

If this is all about you…would this be my last blog then….

For now..the future is vague…. Im trying to fight off….

I’m trying…

I wish you knew…

I wish you knew………….

Sometimes i don’t understand myself at all… i know i have this hormonal imbalance thats making me change my mood sometimes… i feel depressed with no known reason at all..i feel so sensitive…i feel so stressed..and when i do…sometimes I hurt you…. and after realizing that I already did hurt you…it hurts me… forgive me coz I never intended to… i dont want to reason out…because I know i’ll just make you worry… 

hurting you is the last thing I wanna do… 

forgive me…

xoxocreatedbeautifulxoxo:

Faith without  L O V E is like a body without a heart!

(Source: createdbeautifulthoughts, via iwilltrustinyou)

(Source: createdbeautifulthoughts, via iwilltrustinyou)